A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet.
The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick' The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?' The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'
Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?" Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?" Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?" Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!" Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"
On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."
Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies? Student: I don't know. Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from? Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
A man receives a phone call from his doctor. The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news." The man says, "OK, give me the good news first." The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live." The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?" The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I". Student: I is the.... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!" A cowboy and a biker are on
death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and
they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he
has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn.
Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me
bahfore ah hafta go."
"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?"
"That you kill me first."
It was the final examination for
an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such
freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over
500 students in the class!
The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided.
The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was
not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the
student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came
rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began
writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the
students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who
continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the
professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He
attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."
The student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know who I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed
exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room. A linguistics professor was
lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A
double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as
Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no
language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right." A paperboy said to a customer one day, "Mr. Smith, I wish I had twenty customers like you.”
"Gosh, that’s nice to hear,” said Smith, "but I’m kind of surprised considering I never tip all that well and always pay late.”
The paperboy said, "I know, but I’d still like twenty customers like you. The problem is I have one hundred and forty!”
Answering Machine Messages
Hi, this is Stephanie’s answering machine.
If you’re the phone company asking for money, stop bugging her,
she’ll send it sooner or later. If you’re a TV company advertising TVs,
she already has a TV with every channel known to man, and several known
If you called for any other reasons, please hang up the phone, start
screaming, and run to the nearest shoe store. When you get there, ask
them for a cheeseburger. (This probably won’t help you, but we’ll
always have something to laugh about when we’re bored.)
A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.
The dog is a brilliant piano player. He plays all the
standards. He’s sitting there, pounding out the tunes,
when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him
out. The nightclub owner asks, "What happened?”
The manager says,
"That’s his mother. She wants him to be a doctor.”
An elderly couple, Minnie and Max, sit down to their Thanksgiving
dinner. Before eating, his wife speaks up. "Can I ask you a question,
"Sure Minnie,” Max says, waiting to dig into his meal.
"Has our 50 years of marriage made you grateful?”
"Yes, indeed!” Max replied. "For the twenty years I was a bachelor!”
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